Processing the Unspeakable

How do we process the unspeakable-the death of a child? For me it came in a dream.

I lost my precious son, Jordan, on February 29, 2016. He was only 24 years old and had such a bright future ahead of him. Shortly after his tragic death I had a dream that I was in prison. I worked in a prison, but this was different....I was an inmate! It was stark and colorless. I was separated from the other female prisoners by a tall barbed wire fence. I was scared and confused and when an officer approached I asked him, “What am I doing here?” He replied, “Don’t you know? You have been sentenced to life in prison.” I wanted to know what I had done to receive such a sentence, but he told me that it didn’t matter because I would spend the rest of my life in confinement. I then spotted a young child standing by the fence. What was a toddler doing in a place like this? I asked the guard if I could hold the child, but he said it was not allowed. The young boy and I shared a tragic confinement, but I was not allowed to touch him or hold him as I desperately wanted.

I woke from the dream crying and felt such a bone crushing sadness. Although the dream troubled me greatly, it would be many, many months before I would understand the significance. It was my way of processing and coming to terms with the fact that my life had irrevocably changed and I would never recover from such a profound loss.

Although I will never be the same, I will strive to be a better person...in honor of the son I so desperately miss. Jordan-you are loved and missed beyond measure. You are my heart and my inspiration.