Giving Thanks with a Wounded Heart

I have been waking up with a heavy heart for the past couple of weeks. The sadness, which is a constant companion, seems different somehow. I have been on this grief journey for long enough that I know there are many deep and painful valleys, but I will eventually come out on the other side. I guess I should have seen this deep valley coming. I am feeling the loss of Jordan at a heightened level as we approach the holiday season. I am heading into my second Thanksgiving without my son. I thought it would be easier, but it’s not. There will always be an empty place at the table.

Jordan loved all things Thanksgiving! He loved gathering with extended family for good conversation and laughter. He loved the big meal- turkey with all the trimmings...extra mashed potatoes and gravy, please! His enthusiasm and shining spirit was such a big part of our celebration. How can we not feel the loss so deeply? Time does not lessen the sadness of his absence.

Last year I desperately wanted to avoid the familiar celebration, so we traveled out of state-I was trying to hide from my grief. And while I was glad to see extended family, I felt the burden of pretending to participate in activities when my heart wasn’t in it. My grief was so consuming I was choking on it with a fake smile on my face. This year I am not going to try to avoid facing Jordan’s absence, instead I will acknowledge the profound loss and do something to honor his memory. Madison and I are volunteering to serve at a community Thanksgiving dinner. I know if Jordan was here he would jump at the chance to serve others-he would be so proud.

As I reflect on giving thanks, my wounded heart, despite its sorrow, fills with gratitude- what a precious blessing! It was much, much too short, but I am so very thankful for every single day of Jordan’s life. I am eternally thankful he is my son-such a wonderful gift from God. I miss him so much.