The Important Things

I am planning to move out of state this summer. Packing up a house is hard work! I keep wondering how I managed to accumulate so much stuff over the years. But it has been almost liberating donating all the extra stuff I don’t want or need. It’s like being on a diet and shedding ten pounds. Getting rid of my “excess stuff” gives me a sense of freedom – I feel so much lighter and not so weighed down!

Everything was going along smoothly until I started sorting through some boxes of my son’s things. After Jordan’s death in February 2016, his apartment was packed, and his belongings moved to my house. These boxes have been stored in my basement and spare bedroom since that time.

Early on in my grief journey, all of Jordan’s belongings took on significant value to me. I couldn’t imagine getting rid of anything that belonged to him. I had made some progress and was able to get rid of some things, but it was always with careful and deliberate thought. I wanted his belongings to do some good – I wanted to donate to a cause or place that I felt he would approve of... I wanted even a small blessing for others to come from our great tragedy.

The actual parting with his belongings broke my heart and I still have donations to make, boxes to sift through. To complicate the grief, while packing, I decided to donate some things to a local thrift store without careful thought. I was racked with guilt afterwards, thinking I could have found a better alternative for at least some of the things. The whole donation process has been traumatic for me. I spent the better part of a week either crying or on the verge of tears. This sorrow is new and fresh and has such a finality to it... Jordan is not coming back.

When I think through this whole process, I realize that Jordan was like me. There were probably things he would have donated himself, if, and when, he got around to it. Like most of us, he too had accumulated things that were excess weight… items that he no longer wanted or needed. He would not want me shedding tears and suffering so intensely over his belongings.

Oh Jordan, I miss you so much. The truly important things you left behind – your precious memory, your wonderful love and your bright light – will always remain protected and cherished in my heart. I will safeguard them until we meet again.

I love you, Jordan. You are my heart!