Heading South

I am jumping the gun and moving to the deep south three months earlier than originally planned. It’s a move of almost 2,000 miles. Most of my friends think I am crazy to make this move by myself, especially during the heat and humidity of August in the south. So many have expressed concern about me traveling by myself. Why not wait until November and move with my husband when he retires? I give them my pat answer... I want to get there early to put things in order. I need to paint the inside of the house and there are a couple of repair jobs that need to be done. I want those things completed by November when my husband arrives.

This is all true, but what I leave out of my answer, is that I mostly I want to get all this done while I have the energy. After the death of my son, Jordan, I have developed energy cycles that I am learning to adapt to. Grief is my constant companion, but there are certain times of the year that I don’t seem to be as heavily weighted down. It is during those times that I am able to start, and complete, projects… and I want to take advantage of that during this cross-country move.

The period between mid-November and the end of May is more difficult for me. I need to take more breaks and I often find myself temporarily “stuck” in grief. It passes, but I struggle more and find I need the time to mourn anew. As a result, my energy level is unpredictable. As the holidays loom ahead, I am keenly aware of the empty chair at the Thanksgiving table or the missing Christmas presents under the tree. After the holidays, I am focused on getting through February – the month of Jordan’s unexpected and tragic death. Shortly after, I must navigate Mother’s Day and Jordan’s May 26th birthday. These significant dates are devastating and often leave me exhausted for days afterward.

Come June, I get a small reprieve. Grief is still my constant companion, but it is not so overwhelming. Yes, I still have days when the grief drops me to my knees and when I barely have the energy to get through the day, but mostly my grief seems more manageable. It is a time when grief and I are able to live together in a more balanced manner. I am able to follow through with plans and projects. And that is why, despite my fears, I am heading south in less than two weeks.

This move has been long in the making. My husband and I bought our house years ago, excitedly looking forward to our retirement and the endless possibilities it would bring. Jordan, an avid history lover and fan of southern culture, was aware of our planned move and was always an enthusiastic supporter. We had many conversations about the move and had made so many plans for his future visits. My heart cries as I let go of those plans, but I know I won’t be traveling alone... he is with me in spirit. I can hear him, my forever cheerleader, saying, “You’ve got this, Mom.”

I miss you so much, Jordan!